October 9, 2014

Finding My Place

My goodness this blog has been so neglected. I could go into each and every one of those reasons but there is no point in dwelling on why my space has been so quiet.

Lately, I've felt a pull to get back into blogging. I just adore the community that comes from sharing a piece of our lives on the internet. The friendships, advice, and support that this little place has blessed me with over the past 6 years is simply amazing. And a piece of me longs to jump back in and reclaim my space.

But an even bigger piece of me feels lost when it comes to blogging again.

When I first started blogging (way back in 2008 under a different blog name and domain) I openly blogged about my struggles with infertility and pregnancy loss. I connected with other women who understand the painful journey that was. We cried in our defeat and celebrated in our triumph. Ultimately, I overcame that struggle and handed in my title of Infertility Blogger.

As soon as my high risk pregnancy with Kate was a bit more stable, I moved over to this space and blogged about important things like do I buy a Bugaboo or an UppaBaby. (What I wouldn't give to have that be the hardest decision I had to make!) I shared pregnancy updates and ultimately shared the joy that comes with bringing a new life into this world. As I welcomed Kate into my arms I handed in another title - the title of "Pregnancy Blogger" and proudly accepted my new title of Mommy Blogger.

I spent a good chunk of the first year as a Mommy Blogger painting a rosy picture of life with Kate. I wasn't trying to be deceitful about our struggles; I just wasn't ready for the world to know my perfectly amazing baby girl was sick. I needed to keep some things private until we had answers. So I blogged about crawling and park visits and baby food and teething. And I even spent a few months blogging about being a working mom and how that means you will, at some point, walk into a boardroom in a suit that has your kids poop on it.

On June 6, 2011 my title of Mommy Blogger morphed into the title of Special Needs Mommy Blogger. That day forever changed my life. I was no longer just a mom concerned with normal things like teething. I was concerned about scary things like donors and chemo and transplants. With an actual diagnosis in our pocket, I could no longer avoid sharing our struggles. And I wanted to share them. Because I knew I would receive so much support.

With the surprise of a second baby, who was also sick, I continued to wear my Special Needs Mommy Blogger badge and kept sharing.

Then life got a bit crazy, my kids got healthier, we moved, and moved again, dealt with some other medical issues, and dealt with life.

But most importantly, we began enjoying life like a normal family. And while that normal felt oh so amazing, it also came with feelings of guilt. I cannot tell you how many posts I have sitting in draft about awesome days - first day of preschool, normal activities, Will's big post transplant trip to Disney, mundane posts about typical weekend fun. But I just couldn't bring myself to hit publish. I felt guilty for sharing our joys and celebrating what we've overcome because so many families are still struggling. Or never got to experience the joy of overcoming. Survivors guilt is real. And I still battle it daily.

Last night I was laying in bed awake and it finally hit me why I just can't seem to hit publish these days.

I no longer know my place in the blogging world. Yes my kids have continuing medical issues related to their transplants. But I don't entirely identify with the label of special needs mommy blogger b/c our struggles seem to pale in comparison to what others are experience these days.

However, I don't quite feel like a normal mommy blogger either. My life has forever been altered by what we've experienced. I will never be a mom that can live a carefree life that doesn't personally understand fatal conditions. I just can't go back to where I was pre June 6, 2011.

So I sat here in limbo. Feeling lost without a label.

I want to be normal but I never want to forget.

I want to share our joys with each and every one of y'all that supported us during the darkest of dark days. But I never want to cause someone still in those dark days to feel upset because of our newfound joy.

I am label less in the blog world.

But you know what? That is OK! I've finally realized that no one who started blogging back in 2008 is still the same person, with the same struggles. We have all grown in our own unique ways; morphed into the people we are today due to the encounters and experiences we've had over the past 6 years.

It is ok for me to post an unimportant update about a random Wednesday at the park. And it is also ok for me to post a deep, emotionally charged rant about some of the struggles we still face.

I'm determined to find my voice again and re-enter this community. Just bare with me as I navigate this new road!

March 13, 2014

February 2014 Stitch Fix Review: Box #2

Y'all. This review is SO late. Like over a month later than I planned.

But, over the past month I've packed an entire house, had the flu, moved to temporary housing, and lived without internet for 2.5 weeks. All while continuing to search for a home. Living without internet may be the worst part of it all.  However, we are back up and running! All recovered, all moved in, still without a house, but adjusting to life in the burbs!

I have so much to blog about - like Kate's first day of preschool!!!!! - but I wanted to get my February Stitch Fix post up before my March box arrives next week! Yes - I've given in and moved to monthly boxes. Stich Fix is BOOMING and scheduling fixes is getting harder and harder as the company becomes more well known. I loved my first box so much that I wanted to make sure I was getting regular fixes!

Stitch Fix run down:
1. Sign up to become a member.
2. Complete your detailed style profile.
3. Wait for your box to arrive.
4. Try on 5 pieces selected by your personal stylist in the comfort of your home ($20 style fee applies).
5. Keep some, keep all, keep nothing. Receive 25% discount if you keep it all! $20 style fee applied to any purchases made.
6. Check out online, give feed back about items.
7. Return items you do not want in a prepaid shipping envelop!
8. Schedule your next fix!

See? So easy! And oh so fun!

I was so excited when I opened my box! This month I specifically asked for a blazer and something a bit out of my comfort zone. Christine did a great job pulling items. Last month I liked my box but felt like it was a bit dark. I made sure to let the Stitch Fix team know I wanted more color - and they sure did listen!

Tip: Be extremely detailed in your feedback - not only on each item, but on your box as a whole. The more feedback you give, the better your box will be! Promise!

Here is a random collage of my items. It is so hard to style items with 80% of your closet is already packed for an upcoming move. I also never got around to taking real, non iPhone pictures of me wearing the items because 12 hours after my box arrive I came down with the flu. While packing. And moving. And tending to two small humans.

Here are the details:

1) 41Hawthorn Moni Stud Detailed 3/4 Blouse ($58)

Oh this blouse. How I love it. So much. The color. The detail. The fit. It is perfection. Looks great with skinnies or shorts. Is super comfy. All around a HUGE win in my book!

Status: No brainer. Keep

2) Oxmo Dayton Sequin Pocket Plaid Cotton Shirt ($78)

I was very meh about this top. It fit fine but it just felt so fallish to me. It's nearly 80 in Houston right now and I just can't imagine wearing something like this until October/ November. Add in the high price for a sheer top and I was not so impressed.

Status: Return

3) 41 Hawthorn Madox Tribal Print Fit and Flare Dress ($68)

 I was instantly in love when I stalked my box and saw this was headed my way. This dress is so amazing and looks even better in person. I was expecting to keep this especially since it is such a great price for a dress! However, the fit was off. It was pretty big everywhere. It looks like lots of people got this dress and experienced the same thing. I think the Stitch Fix team didn't realize this dress was running a bit on the big side when they shipped it out in so many February boxes.

Status: Sadly sent back

4) 41Hawthorn Toshi Contrast Detail Longsleeve Blazer ($88)

This was an item I requested for my February box (not this specific blazer, just a blazer in general). I was a bit disappointed. My January feedback stated I wanted more color in my next box. I was hoping for something fun like a mint green or cobalt blazer. After hanging up my Corporate America hat 3 years ago, I have no desire to wear a black blazer while wiping snotty noses and running to HEB! This blazer was also pretty tight in the bust on me.

Status: Return

5) Just Black Adora Skinny Jean ($88)

I'll be honest, when I saw a pair of jeans was included in my box I was not super happy. I hate shopping for jeans and immediately assumed there was zero chance of these fitting properly and hated that something I expected to not fit was taking up one of my five items. I was wrong! While they were a little long, they fit great and I loved them! I am not normally a fan of colored skinnies (these are a light blue) but I thought it was a fun color to add into my wardrobe. Unexpected and not something I would have ever picked myself!

Status: Keep

Overall, I was very impressed with my box. Had the dress fit, I would have just kept everything and received the 25% off discount. But, with the dress being too big, the plaid shirt being out of season for Houston, and the blazer making me feel like I needed to run back to my old office, I decided to just keep the pink top and the skinnies!

My March box arrives next week and I am so excited! I'm really hoping I see some spring/ summer tops, fun colors, lots of patterns, and maybe even a pair of shorts! I am secretly hoping to get a killer floral top that matches the light blue skinnies I kept this month! I'll report back soon!

Disclaimer: I was not compensated for this post. All opinions are my own. However, if you follow any links in this post, and schedule a fix, I will receive a referral credit. If you are not comfortable with that (totally understand!) just google Stitch Fix and sign up from their site directly!

February 25, 2014

Life is CRAZY!

There is no other way to describe our life right now that comically crazy. If you follow me on InstaGram this is all old news. But for those of you who don't, here is a snippet of our life over the past week.

Things are crazy because we move Wednesday. To temporary housing. Because we sold our house. And do not have a new house. More on that in another post. But we have movers coming Wednesday and officially close Thursday. It is extremely bitter sweet.

I'll start with some sweet! My amazing in-laws were in town last weekend and were so helpful! I had several hours at the house alone to pack. Not only are we packing to move but I am having to sort everything. What do we use on a daily basis? What can we go without for months until we find a house? Needless to say, it has been tedious work.

But I was able to step away from the packing last Monday and we loaded everyone up and headed to the Houston Zoo! Totally unprompted, Kate walked up to Will and said "Bubba, des are flamingos. Hold my hand. I'll lead you to dem. See dose gray ones? Dey are the babies. Dey'll be pink when dey eat more shrimp. Isn't dat cool? I saw dem when dey were eggs. You couldn't come den. But you can see dem now!"

And then my heart melted. And I cried. And I thanked the good Lord for every blessing He has shown our way. Two miracles. Healed. Living life. Perfection! (Side note: how grown does Kate look in her casual wear with her ponytail?)

Ok so back to crazy. A milk sippie got lost in my car. And then exploded. So my car smells like death. And we've been in it a lot as we run up to the apartment for this or that. Kate is not a fan and screams the first 15 minutes we are in the car about how nasty it smells and how she needs someone to hold her nose so she can take pictures or play on her iPad with both hands. Girlfriend is queen of the first world problem.

My kids are certain we don't need any furniture in the apartment. We were there Thursday (pre-flu - see next picture for details) to get the keys and they were in heaven. Too bad it is going to be filled to the brim come Wednesday. They are blurs b/c they were running so fast!

About an hour after we got back from the apartment, I started dying. Ok I'm being dramatic. But only slightly. I seriously was hit hard and fast and could not function by 5pm Thursday (2/20). I called Alex and begged him to come home early so I could make it to the RediClinic before they closed. I got there, they did a flu test, and sure enough, I was diagnosed with Influenza A. Before anyone asks, yes I got my flu shot. And before anyone tells me it is in effective, save your breath...or fingers...I will be getting the flu shot again next year. And all of the years after that. It isn't 100% effective. But I will always do anything in my power to avoid the misery I've been in since I came down with the flu. We all started Tamiflu in hopes of protecting Will and I am finally feeling a bit more human.

So I've mentioned we're moving. And packing. And then I got the flu. And had to wear a mask in order to contain my germs. Fever + sneezing + coughing + mask wearing is not fun. At all.

I was literally unable to do a single thing this entire weekend. Which meant Alex had to pack. And I witnessed this. No that is not garbage. That is my husband's packing method. Throw shit in a contractor bag. No joke. Unpacking should be loads of fun.

Thanks to the flu, this is the current state of my kitchen. Did I mention movers will be here in 36 hours? And that while Tamiflu has most likely lessened the impact, Will is now sick? Fever, snotty nose, fussy. Yep. Probably the flu. I have to bring him in this morning to evaluate him and I am just praying he is not admitted. Because I cannot imagine moving and closing while Will is in the hospital. Not to mention I would probably not be allowed on the BMT floor at all since I have the flu myself. It would just be insane to deal with.

So yes, life has been insane in the Boggan household. Packing, moving, flu, still searching for a house! Lots going on over here! 

All joking and dramatics aside, I'm so glad Alex was able to pick up my slack and that we are ready to make this move...and then do it again in the near future when we find our next house!

February 18, 2014

A Wonderful Will Update

How awesome does my sweet boy look (this was yesterday)? And yes - he is out in public WITHOUT A MASK ON HIS PRECIOUS FACE! And not just outside - he's at the zoo! Looking like a handsome 2 year old. Looking HEALTHY! I don't think anyone at the zoo would ever guess what he's been through. What a huge praise!

That picture shows y'all just how awesome Will is doing.

But playing catching up, here's what's been going on with our sweet boy!

About 9 weeks ago Will randomly got his PICC line removed. For those of you counting, he had some type of semi-permanent IV (PICC or Hickman central line) for 7 months! His lines remained in for so long post transplant due to his kidney issues and the fact that he was dependent on IV fluids. Well, his line was giving us trouble, not giving any blood return, clotting off often, etc. After a few weeks of issues, his doctors made the call to pull his line and see how his body did without fluids. Any foreign object in the body is a big risk for infection so it's always good to remove PICCs/ central lines if possible. We decided to pull the line and not put a new PICC in. If his kidneys started acting up, and he needed fluids again, we would have put one back in. But there was no need to surgically place a new line when we were testing his kidney capabilities and he wasn't IV dependent.

His kidneys did great. It took a few weeks for them to "catch up" after suddenly stopping IV fluids but, all that matters is they did catch up and they are still functioning normally! And will is still line free!

No lines is wonderful but also means Will has to be stuck every appointment for his blood draws. Thankfully he has always been a blood draw champ and doesn't even cry anymore! He even pulls his sleeves up and gives him arm to the nurse without hesitation! He may not be able to talk yet but he sure understands and comprehends everything that goes on around him!

Ever since the PICC removal, things have been relative uneventful! Will had one minor set back and spent about 12 hours in the ER one night due to fever. Thankfully he broke his fever on his own and tested negative for flu/ RSV. His immune system is coming back very strong (we stopped immune suppressants about 6 weeks ago) and it is amazing that he was able to fight off whatever was plaguing him on his own!

One major milestone was that Will was able to receive a flu shot 2 weeks ago! A bone marrow transplant completely knocks out any vaccinations and patients are typically don't start the re-vaccinated process until 1 year post BMT and aren't able to receive any live virus vaccinations (like the MMR) for 2+ years post transplant (Kate has still not been cleared for these). But, Will's IgG level and other immune system markers came back so strong that his BMT doctor went ahead with a flu shot! We are having an awful outbreak here in Houston and the flu would be a major hit to Will's new immune system so I'm very thankful he is relatively covered now!

Ten days after his flu shot we went back to the zoo for the first time! Since then we've done the zoo again as well as the butterfly garden at the Museum of Natural Science. Kate was completely amazed when we loaded the entire family up and went to do something all together. She kept saying "wait. Bubba comes wif us? He gets to come wif me? Oh bubs you will just love my zoo. I will show you all the animals! I so excited!" It was such a precious moment!

The latest development is that Will was just moved to monthly clinic visits! I just can't even wrap my head around this but am so thankful appointments are spreading out as we officially move to North Houston this week!

I will never, ever forget what my children have been through, and I will never stop be thankful for everyone who carried us through this journey. But it feels amazing to close the isolation doors and start experiencing normal motherhood for the first time ever!

January 16, 2014

My First Fix! Stitch Fix #1 Review!

Back in my pre-babies days I lived in beautifully tailored suits. I would always make sure my blouses would carry over to weekend wear! I shopped non-stop and had quite the wardrobe.

When I had Kate I learned all about the "mom-iform" and quickly adapted it during my 7 month maternity leave. But come March 2011, I was back in the suit game and felt so confident about myself! A working mom wearing amazing suits and 5 inch heels to work all while keeping a tiny human alive! I was in for a rude awakening the first time said tiny human puked all over my beloved navy suit.

By the time baby #2 came around I'd already lived in the hospital for months and hung my suits up for good. Thus ending my shopping days. Yes I'd pick up a few things here or a tee at Target but my style? It disappeared.

Now that Will is on the road to recovery I feel like I deserve a bit of me time. When Kate was going through treatment my stress resulted in insane weight loss. However, with Will, it resulted in a significant weight gain. I am so uncomfortable in my skin. About 2 months ago I started regularly working out again and am finally starting to feel a bit more confident. I've got a long way to go, and many pounds left to shed, but I felt good enough to do something for me!

I've been reading about Stitch Fix for a while and always thought it was such a wonderful concept! I told myself I would schedule my first fix if I managed to stick to my workout routine for a solid 2 months. Well, I've achieved that goal and my first fix arrived yesterday!

For those of you wondering what the hell I am talking about...let me explain! Stitch Fix is an online personally styling service for women! You fill out an extensive style survey, input your size. measurements, and price points, and a stylist sends you a fun box of five clothing/ accessory goodies! There is a $20 styling fee assessed but it is applied to anything purchases you make from your box! If you chose not to keep anything, you simply mail all of your items back with a prepaid return label, and are only assessed the $20 styling fee. But, if you keep everything, not only is the $20 styling fee credited to your purchases, you also get a 25% discount on all 5 items! Stitch Fix only charges once you "check out" and you have three days to try on your clothes and make a decision!

When you first open your box, you'll notice the easy to understand instructions on the box flap! Also included is a lovely styling guide for every piece you've been sent!  I was so thankful for my personalized note from my stylist as the pictures for each item!

Maddy Point Fit & Flare Dress $78
Confession. As soon as my fix shipped, I googled all of the items included in my box. I knew I would love this dress. And boy did I love it. Not only is it a great fit for my shape, but it is maroon. And the good Lord knows any Southern girl will jump through fire to find a great game day dress. And this precious maroon dress is not only perfect for date night but would look spectacular while tailgating and cheering my Mississippi State Bulldogs on! Also those pleats? Amazing!

Verdict: 100% keep

Ivy Tulip Print Tab Sleeve Blouse $68
When I saw the google images of this blouse I was so excited, and secretly hoping I wouldn't get it in navy or any other dark color. However, I got it in navy with taupe tulips. I love the fit and style of this shirt but I am really struggling with what I would wear it with. I tend to always wear super dark colors on bottom because I am self conscious of my hips. This top is basically the same color as all of my skinny jeans and I just don't know if it looks ok.

Side note: How awkward are my pictures? Lol!

Verdict: Undecided. If the price was a bit lower I would for sure keep it. But at nearly $70 I am very torn. Let me know your thoughts!

Addison Striped Knit Cardigan $48
This was like the dress and I knew I would be keeping this item before I even put it on my body. It is perfect for Houston. Very light weight but still cozy! I paired this with skinny jeans and a tank as well as with leggings, tank, and skinny belt. I know not everyone is team leggings as pant but this girl is. I am a HUGE leggings as pants fan and this cardi is perfect for just that! I'm sure I will wear this like once a week because I am that obsessed!

Verdict: KEEP, KEEP, KEEP!

Evann Solids Maxi Skirt $58
I really wanted to like this. And if I loved everything else in my box, I would have kept it fore the sole purpose of getting that 25% discount. But I just couldn't justify the price for a skirt that accentuated the area I am most self conscious about. My hips look gigantic in this skirt. I styled it two different ways and wasn't really feeling either.

Verdict: Returned!

Rogers Asymmetrical Zipper Jacket $78
I was so excited about this jacket! I thought it would be a perfect, stylish solution to the few chilly days we have here in Houston. But, it was a disaster. It felt very binding and kept riding up. Let's not discuss how it hits me in every single wrong spot possible. It's just awful on me.

Oh and let's ignore the fact that I did not do my hair for these pictures.

Verdict: Returned. Straight back to Stitch Fix it goes!

So there you have it - my first fix! I am for sure keeping two things but y'all help me decide on the tulip blouse please!! I have also already scheduled my second fix and cannot wait for it to get here!

Disclaimer: This is not a sponsored post; I have paid for my fix on my own and have not been given any type of compensation for this review. I do however receive a small referral credit if you follow my links. However, if you are not comfortable using my referral links, but still want to try Stitch Fix, just google their site and start the process!

January 14, 2014

2013 Fall Family Pictures

Way back in November we had a family photo session with the lovely KariBeth of KBG Photography! I started reading KariBeth's blogs years ago. She is a fellow Houston momma and we share a love for all things smocked as well as matching siblings in precious Southern clothes!

I was so excited for our session with KariBeth because I knew she would understand how hectic pictures with two kids can be! Kate was a mess because she wanted all of the pictures to be just her. Will was outside, mask free for the first time since his transplant and just wanted to run. I have no clue how she managed to get as many beautiful shots as she did! I guess she just has that mom magic!

I had every intention of using these pictures for Christmas cards. I even designed a beautiful card. But, life got in the way and they never even got printed - much less mailed out! This is the first year since Alex and I have been married that I didn't send cards out. I thought I would have been upset or stressed but I wasn't. At all. I had a very "oh well, we're busy and I can't add one more thing to my list" attitude which goes against my type A personality! Proof that maybe I am making some progress with my need to feel in control at all times.

Look at Will cheesin! And my goodness Alex and Will are such twins! I love the pictures of Al and his babies - and they are already framed and in his office! I also love seeing pictures of myself with the kids since I am normally behind the camera. We ended up not getting a picture of just me a Kate but I do love the one of me and Will!

Proof that my kids do love each other (at times)!

Sweet bubba! What a year 2013 was for him! These pictures perfectly capture his new life! Full of energy and wants to run everywhere! And my goodness his hair has grown so much in two months! He is actually about to have a haircut because his hair has come back in so well already!

And little Miss drama queen. That pout? I can't even handle it. When I received my on-line gallery and started picking my images, I knew, without a doubt, I had to have that picture. She was crying because Mrs. KariBeth wouldn't only take pictures of just Kate! But thankfully she gave us some beautiful smiles too!

We let the kids run free long enough to capture a picture of just me and Alex! I can't believe we've been together over TEN years! My goodness the time has flown by!

The best part about our session was the wonderful family picture we got! I'm talking 5-6 amazing family shots! That's never happened before!

Also please note that Will has on two different socks! I was rushing around the morning of our pictures and was so proud I picked out two socks with navy toes/ heels from the clean (unfolded) laundry basket! Then I got our proofs back and noticed that while they both had the same color heels/ toes, they were in fact different socks! KariBeth said she could photoshop the navy band out but I wanted it to stay! I know I will always look back on this picture and remember the heavenly chaos that came with having an 18 month old and a 3 year old in the house!

I can't wait to see these beautiful pictures framed in out new house...when we finally have a new house! Lol!

(I was not compensated for this post at all - I just really loved KBG Photography's work and adore all of the pictures from our session!)

January 13, 2014

Trust me, it will all be ok.

We've had quite the emotional few weeks over at the Boggan house and I think I've been more weepy these last few weeks/ days than I was with either of my pregnancies (and NO I am NOT pregnant - nor will I ever be pregnant again).

I mentioned in my last post that we are in the process of making a big move to the good ole burbs! Alex and I have worked so hard over the last month to get our current home ready. While our house is in great shape, there are always little things that need to be done, and that take a lot of time! Things like staining our decks, power washing our driveway/ walkway to the house, moving non-essential items to storage, having a contractor come in to do some minor window repair, etc. But, as of today, I can say everything is done, the house is spotless, and we are ready to list tomorrow!

This house has been an amazing blessing to our family for so many reason. Most importantly it's allowed us to be 5 miles from Texas Children's during both Kate and Will's treatments and recoveries. That alone is worth its weight it gold. It has also been a unexpected investment. We bought into this market before it took off and we are selling during a time where homes are going under contract in a matter of days, above asking! We know what a blessing this truly is. But it also presents the hardship of selling our home but not really having anywhere to go.

Alex and I looked at 20+ houses last week and we thought we found THE house. Friday night I was so confused, torn between two homes, not knowing what we should do. My bestie reminded me to never make a decision alone. To actually give it over to the Lord, not just think I was giving it over to Him. (That bestie of mine is a smart one - I am so blessed!) I spent a lot of time in prayer Friday evening and by Saturday morning I knew with confidence which house we needed to make an offer on. After struggling and questioning, I heard the much needed "Trust me, it will all be ok." from the Lord. I needed that guidance and I felt so sure. Alex felt the same way.

(Ok I'm getting all teary just writing this out...deep breath...push through.)

We put in a very aggressive offer on a home Saturday afternoon. It was perfect - on a big lot like Alex wanted and had an out in the country feel yet was zoned to the top rated Woodlands schools. It had an amazing play room/ game room on the first floor (which is hard to come by here - most are over the garage) right off the kitchen! It felt right when we walked in the front door. I saw Christmas morning there. I saw post Friday night football game get togethers in the game room or media room. I saw our future.

Unfortunately we found out last night that there were 3 other offers on the table and the sellers went with someone else. Logically I get that the more cash you put down and the higher your offer, the better you look on paper. I get that. And Alex and I will be making similar decisions very soon regarding our current home. So hearing that the sellers went with the offer that was basically a full cash purchase makes sense on paper.

But it sucks emotionally. I was so attached. And I am so sad. It felt like God was slamming a door in my face and yelling "NO!" at me. And last night all I could think about was every other time I've had "NO!" yelled at me.

"Lord please bless us with a family." "NO!"

"Lord please let everything be ok with Kate." "NO!"

"Lord please let this surprise baby be ok." "NO!"

"Lord please let us find a donor easily for Will." "NO!"

"Lord please let this house become ours." "NO!"

I went to bed mad last night. Mad that I feel like we just can't catch a break. Mad that we very well may be stuck in an apartment as we either build or wait for something to come on the market. We've seen everything in our budget that meets our criteria and the houses either didn't work out for us for various reasons or are all under contract already.

I woke up this morning sad and weepy but with a bit more clarity.

I know, deep down, that the Lord has never yelled NO in my face. He has always kindly said "trust me Lindsey. It will all be ok. It may not take the path you think it should. But it will be ok. I am here. I love you. I will continue to bless you. Just trust me, ok?"

I can boldly say I was blessed with a beautiful family. Yes it took years longer and tens of thousands of dollars to achieve. But it happened and I am fulfilling my lifelong dreams of being a mom.

I can boldly say that as of today everything is ok with Kate. Was it always ok? No, not at all. But it is now and that's what matters.

I can boldly say our precious surprise is on his way to ok as well. Was it the path we wanted? No. But he is recovering and will be ok in time.

I can boldly say we found a donor for Will. Did it take heartache and patience? You bet. But Will currently has donor cells floating around his body healing him.

While I cannot boldly say the house we loved is ours, I am slowly coming around to this bump in the road. Do I wish things would be going differently? YES! But I need to refocus my faith, look at my track record of blessings, and trust that everything will be ok.

A dear friend of mine (that I met on twitter of all places) texted me this scripture last night and I am clinging to it:

"Because you know this, you have great joy. You have joy even though you may have had to suffer for a little while. You may have had to suffer sadness in all kinds of trouble."
1 Peter 1:6

Oh how I have suffered. But my joy? My joy is huge. We've been blessed and faithfully carried over the past 5 years, He won't let us down now.

So today I'm going to cry and be sad. I'm going to be a bit annoyed and get it all out. But tomorrow I am going to pick myself up, look at my past struggles that have turned into amazing blessings, and continue to trust in His plan for my family!

(Apologies for coming back from my blog hiatus with such and emotional post. But writing and blogging has always been a release for me and today I just needed to get it all out! And I loving knowing that so many will be supporting us as we move on to this next phase of our family journey!)
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