February 13, 2013

Be Still

Yesterday morning Will had a nuclear cystogram to check on the state of his kidney reflux. His urologist wanted this test done before scheduling his kidney surgery to repair the issue. We won't have results until we meet with his doctor tomorrow.

I'm not sure why but I've been so anxious about this test. I'm guessing a big reason is because this feels like the official "kick off" to Will's treatment. This surgery will be the first of many medicals tests, procedures, and surgeries that will lead up to Will's admission for his bone marrow transplant.

I knew this time would come. But it is just hard to give up the "normal" we've had over the past 10 months and jump back on this crazy roller coaster.

While I was driving to Texas Children's and eating my emotions in the form of an egg and cheese biscuit I was a huge ball of nerves. I could feel my anxiety growing the closer we got to the hospital.

I normally have KSBJ on my radio and yesterday morning was no different. As I was pulling into the parking garage under the Clinical Care Center, Chris Tomlin's I Lift My Hands started to play. The first line of that song?

Be still, there is a healer.

That line, and the entire song, hit me like a ton of bricks.

I literally felt like God was thumping me on the head and saying "LINDSEY! Stop busying yourself to avoid hard issues. Stop filling your heart and mind with anxiety. BE STILL. COME TO ME. There is a healer right here. I am HERE. I have yet to fail you. BE STILL. I am THE HEALER. I was, and still am, Kate's healer. I am here to be Will's healer as well. BE STILL."

It is so easy for me to let my anxiety get the best of me. It is so easy for me to completely consume myself with the battles my children have to fight. It is so easy to forget what I know I need to cling to.

I so badly needed this reminder. I needed to give over my anxiety.

I need to calm and center myself so I can be a source of strength and comfort for Will right now.

So that's my plan. Be still. Immerse myself in the Word. And prepare my heart, mind, and soul for what our family is about to face.



Gina said...

I love love love those thumping-on-the-head moments. I'll keep your sweet little man in my prayers...and you too.

Lindsey said...

Lindsey- I pray for all of you daily- that Kate's counts stay fabulous and that Will can wait as long as possible for any surgery/hospital stays even if its for kidney reflux instead- I/ll be saying extra prayers for you all! xoxox

Trisha said...

As always, keeping you all in our prayers. Hugs from Wisconsin.

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