Sometimes, we are able to go through life without fully grasping the things we are dealing with.
We spend time focusing on the now, not the future.
Focusing on the joy, and not the sorrow.
Other times, reality smacks you in the face like a ton of bricks and you are forced to process things. Accept your reality and come to terms with the hand you've been dealt.
Last night, while putting Will down for bed, I had one of those can barely breathe because reality hit me moments.
In 5.5 months or less Will will start chemo.
Something about the realization that it is in less than 6 months hit me.
And it hit me HARD.
I know many people feel like I'm strong and have handled everything thus far with strength and grace. While I appreciate the kind words, it is not always the case.
Last night I sat on the couch in Will's nursery and sobbed.
Big, ugly tears.
Looking down at his precious face, watching him breath in and out while sucking on his paci, was just too much,
I just could not handle the thought of my sweet baby going through hell.
I still have very vivid (and extremely painful) memories of Kate violently throwing up from campath.
Memories of holding her as she fought off a fever of over 105 degrees.
Memories of being absolutely terrified that she would seize from the high fever.
Memories of having to wake her up every thirty minutes to take her vitals because her blood pressure was only 50ish/ 20-30.
Memories of the terror that came each and every time we had to "stir" her in hopes of bringing her vitals up.
Memories of wondering what my life would be like without her.
The thought of being in those situations, and possible harder/ scarier situations, in 5.5 months is too much for me to process right now.
Right now, I am fill with fear and anxiety.
I do not feel strong.
I do not feel like I can watch my second born go through hell.
But I have to process.
I cannot run away.
I cannot act like this isn't going to happen.
But right now, I wish this was not my reality.