November 4, 2012

Reality

Sometimes, we are able to go through life without fully grasping the things we are dealing with.

We spend time focusing on the now, not the future.

Focusing on the joy, and not the sorrow.

Other times, reality smacks you in the face like a ton of bricks and you are forced to process things. Accept your reality and come to terms with the hand you've been dealt.

Last night, while putting Will down for bed, I had one of those can barely breathe because reality hit me moments.

In 5.5 months or less Will will start chemo.

Something about the realization that it is in less than 6 months hit me.

And it hit me HARD.

I know many people feel like I'm strong and have handled everything thus far with strength and grace.  While I appreciate the kind words, it is not always the case.

Last night I sat on the couch in Will's nursery and sobbed.

Big, ugly tears.

Looking down at his precious face, watching him breath in and out while sucking on his paci, was just too much,

I just could not handle the thought of my sweet baby going through hell.

I still have very vivid (and extremely painful) memories of Kate violently throwing up from campath.

Memories of holding her as she fought off a fever of over 105 degrees.

Memories of being absolutely terrified that she would seize from the high fever.

Memories of having to wake her up every thirty minutes to take her vitals because her blood pressure was only 50ish/ 20-30.

Memories of the terror that came each and every time we had to "stir" her in hopes of bringing her vitals up. 

Memories of wondering what my life would be like without her.

The thought of being in those situations, and possible harder/ scarier situations, in 5.5 months is too much for me to process right now.

Right now, I am fill with fear and anxiety.

I do not feel strong.

I do not feel like I can watch my second born go through hell.

But I have to process. 

I cannot run away.

I cannot act like this isn't going to happen.

But right now, I wish this was not my reality.


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21 comments:

Allie said...

Oh Linds, my heart seriously breaks for you! I am going to spread the word about donating and getting swabbed on our news segment to hopefully get more people out there to get more matches!! Love you guys!

The Chrest Family said...

Lindsey, I am so sorry you and your sweet family have to go through this all over again. I will be and am praying for you.

Sami said...

I cannot even imagine although I do believe I would be feeling exactly like you do at this point. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it, which I know you already know from your journey with Kate thus far. Your family is always in my prayers, even though I haven't seen you since high school! I hope you can enjoy some peace and confort in the following months...

Katie said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm always praying for you and your precious babies. xoxo

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

This post just hit me hard. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to see your baby suffer in that way. You are a good momma for going through the thoughts and letting yourself feel it, even though it sucks and it hurts. I'll be praying that somehow, in some way, things can go smooth for Will and that you will have the strength and ability to get through it with him. I'm so so sorry this is your reality, but you also have the sweetest kiddos. What you do for them is selfless and amazing. Stay strong, but know it's okay to have the weak moments, too. praying for you friend...

Lisa Rusczyk said...

Your family will be in my prayers.

Kodi said...

There's nothing I can say other than you know I'm always praying for you.

Shannon Dew said...

I prayed daily, with Kendall, when Kate was going through all of that. I remembered thinking how amazing of a mom you were and how you were handling the situation so much better than I would have. Know that I will be doing the same for Will. I wish this was not your reality, I wish that no one, no parent,ever had to face such scary times. It's ok to be scared though, let yourself. Big hugs mama.

Colleen said...

Lindsey, this was hard reading so I cannot even imagine how difficult it was to live it and live it again once more with your precious babe. Praying for you and your sweet bub!

Taylor said...

Praying for you, sweet friend!!!! Sending hugs your way, too.

Weston's Mama said...

You, your husband, and your two babies are in my prayers. I have been following y'all for about a year and a half...since right before I left Houston, I just wanted you to know that you are an inspiring mama.

Carrie said...

My heart breaks for you as I read this. As a mom, I know you would do anything to spare your baby pain. Will is blessed to have a Mama who loves him so much and who will be by his side every step of his journey. Your family is in my prayers.

Jen Watts said...

I'm one of those that always comments on your strength, but Lord knows you're entitled to cry or scream or whatever when you need to. I'll be praying for your precious Will momma.

Ali said...

My family will be praying for all four of you! You are an amazing mama and your children are so blessed to have you.

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you and your precious fam.

Jenn said...

I vividly remember the post you wrote when you found out you were pregnant with Will and that he would have the same condition as Kate. I remember you saying, when discussing your choice to continue with the pregnancy that you "fought so hard for Kate" and that you "would fight for your son" as well. I think it stuck with me because I'm not sure that I would have made the same decision as you, but I admired you so much for it.

Fight for him, momma!

Angela said...

We will pray for you. Stay strong.

Erin said...

I think our weak moments become the ones we build off of to gain the strength. Lifting prayers for you and your family now and always mama!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

For some reason, though I knew how tough it was for Kate, I don't think I "got it" til this post. This breaks my heart for all of y'all. I can't even imagine. I found your blog at the end of Kate's process but started praying as soon as I knew about it. And we've been praying for Will already and will continue to. And for you lady. We'll go through this with you. Promise you won't be alone :)

Lynsey said...

I could say I'm sorry you have to go through this not once but twice. I could say your family is always in our prayers. If I said those things, it would be the absolute truth. Yet, that still doesn't feel like enough. I wish I could be there for you more. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug, a shoulder to cry on, to pray over you. My heart breaks for y'all. While I can't physically be there, please know you have a huge support group of women via twitter, blogging, facebook.. whatever, that are here for you. We will carry you when you don't think you can do it anymore. We will lift you up. Like Megan said, promise you won't be alone!

Kristin said...

I will be praying for you and Will in the coming months. Thinking of you often.

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