May 11, 2011

Feeling Defeated

My sweet baby girl has tested positive for strep yet again. 

And, from the looks of it, my phone is probably positive too.

Kate is totally miserable - fussy, clingy, feverish, and just downright blah.  I hate that she is feeling so bad. 

I'm not sure if it is the sickness, my job, this phase, or what but I am feeling extremely defeated. 

Defeated by my job.

Defeated by motherhood.

Defeated by everything.

Kate barely leaves the house.  I'm talking, we take her out maybe 3 times a week.  Yet, I can't keep her healthy.  I realize that her health issues cause her to have a compromised immune system but, what am I doing so wrong that is making my sweet girl constantly sick?

I had a huge breakdown today.  I'm talking snot flowing, ugly cry to my boss breakdown. 

I feel like a failure at work because I haven't been trained/ informed about what exactly this new assignment entails.  I am missing deadlines because I don't know there is a deadline.  I have no clue what I should be doing.

I feel like a failure at home because I am working so much that I can't take a day off to sit at home and rock my baby when she is sick.

I am so thankful for Danielle - she is amazing with Kate - so loving and nurturing.  But, I'm her mom - I need to be sucking out her snot and cuddling her when she is feeling horrible.  That is my job - not stupid stewardship of aged accounting items and payables from Bangkok. 

Kate's pediatrician put her on a stronger antibiotic in hopes of kicking strep in the behind for good.  That's sounded great until Kate had an allergic reaction to the medication.  I'm not sure if you can tell but, in the picture below, she has a red, raised blotchy spot to the right of her mouth.  That was the start of a rash on her face/ neck/ chest that prompted me to never give her said antibiotic again. 

I know that "this too shall pass" but man, I am feeling the stress of being a working mom.  Especially since I don't need to be working as many hours as I am. 

I don't need, nor do I want, the extra money.  Yes I am thankful to be an hourly employee now - at least I am compensated for every hour that I am away from Kate.  But, I wish I wasn't billing overtime.  Hell, I wish I wasn't billing more than the 25 hours I said I would work when I agreed to return. 

I want to be home with Kate. 

What I need is to learn how to tell work no.  No I won't work 50 hours this week.  No I will not work until 10pm.  No I will not come in on my day off because sitting in a meeting with upper management is great "exposure".  NO.

I'm praying this passes soon because this momma is functioning on thin ice. 

Sorry to be such a Debbie downer...I'm just trying to keep things real.


kim said...

Being a working mom is so, so hard. I am sorry things are so overwhelming right now. I have those days often. You are doing a great job, though! Hoping tomorrow is a little better. Hugs.

Whitney said...

I've had the ugly cry. I won MOTY today because on the third day that TJ woke up with matted eyes I finally took him to the doctor and he has pink eye in both eyes. I have been taking him to daycare all week, including today. MOTY!

Jennifer said...

I really am so sorry. I pray that this time of trials is short lived. I can completely tell how stressed and overwhelmed you are feeling. Cast your worries to the Lord and he will provide.

Sarah said...

You might have already done this, but have you done a REALLY thorough disinfection job on your house and all of Kate's toys and everything? Like...bleach bath and bleach scrub disinfecting? The fact that she keeps getting sick but she doesn't go out much makes me wonder if she just keeps reinfecting herself. The strep virus can live for weeks on surfaces and she might just keep getting herself sick again.

Lindsey B said...

Sarah - we did. We went a bit over board with the post strep cleaning. Toys, her entire crib, bath toys, car seat and straps,stroller, etc. I cleaned/ disinfected everything I could think of.

mommy baum said...

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time, and your poor sweetie too. Hope things look up soon!!! :)

Megan and David said...

Love you, Lindsey! This will pass.

Kara said...

So sorry precious Kate is sick. I am sorry you are having a rough time too. I hope everything gets better soon.

Jessica said...

Bless her little heart & yours too. I hope she is feeling better today!

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