A year filled with hospital stays that separate our family. A year of horrible, yet life saving, medical treatment. A year of survival for not just Will, but for all members of our family as we deal with the stress associated with yet another bone marrow transplant.
Alex and I were well aware of all of this when we made the decision to move forward with our pregnancy. We knew it would be hard. We were living that hell with Kate when we made our decision.
But, we decided to focus on the months of joy we would have before transplant. Focus on the fun times. Focus on the normal.
We did just that in 2012. And it was amazing. Probably the best year of my entire life.
In my mind, we were going to live in the now, taking in every little thing up until the day Will was admitted to start chemo.
But the calendars have changed and it's officially 2013.
I want to be joyful. I want to soak it all in.
But I just can't.
And I hate it.
I'm in a funk. And I am starting my year off dreading everything that is to come.
Yesterday I brought the kids to the pediatrician because they'd both been sick - snotty and coughing. Kate was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Will was diagnosed with a sinus infection, ear infection, and bronchiolitis.
Will has a big hematology appointment this afternoon to map out his upcoming surgeries (kidney surgery, central line placement, bone marrow biopsy, and another surgery we haven't talked openly about) and transplant plan.
It's only January 3rd yet I am already completely surrounded by illness, surgeries, and transplant.
I knew that we would be planning everything out early in the year. But I didn't expect it to completely consume me.
I want to enjoy life. Keep the scheduling and planning and worrying in the background.
I want to be living life based on Proverbs 3:5.
I want to hand it over to Him. I want to lean on the Lord and not dwell on my own limited understanding.
But y'all. I'm struggling.
Maybe it is the post holiday blues? Maybe I will get past all of this and start enjoying everything again soon?
No matter what the cause, I am spending some much needed time in prayer. Praying that I can shake this funk. Praying that I can be totally present for my children. Praying that I can soak up every.single.moment before everything starts.
Because I know I will regret dwelling on things beyond my control come transplant time. I will look back and wish I'd soaked in all in. Wished I let go of my worry. Let go of my fears.
I have got to find a way to live like we were a mere three days ago so that come January 1, 2014, I can proudly proclaim that yes, 2013 was HARD. But we survived. And thrived. And lived a life filled with joy.