January 3, 2013

2013...The Year of...Dread?

I've known since November 2011 (when Will was diagnosed while I was pregnant) that 2013 was going to be yet another HARD year.

A year filled with hospital stays that separate our family. A year of horrible, yet life saving, medical treatment. A year of survival for not just Will, but for all members of our family as we deal with the stress associated with yet another bone marrow transplant.

Alex and I were well aware of all of this when we made the decision to move forward with our pregnancy. We knew it would be hard. We were living that hell with Kate when we made our decision.

But, we decided to focus on the months of joy we would have before transplant. Focus on the fun times. Focus on the normal.

We did just that in 2012. And it was amazing. Probably the best year of my entire life.

In my mind, we were going to live in the now, taking in every little thing up until the day Will was admitted to start chemo.

But the calendars have changed and it's officially 2013.

I want to be joyful. I want to soak it all in.

But I just can't.

And I hate it.

I'm in a funk. And I am starting my year off dreading everything that is to come.

Yesterday I brought the kids to the pediatrician because they'd both been sick - snotty and coughing. Kate was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Will was diagnosed with a sinus infection, ear infection, and bronchiolitis.

Will has a big hematology appointment this afternoon to map out his upcoming surgeries (kidney surgery, central line placement, bone marrow biopsy, and another surgery we haven't talked openly about) and transplant plan.

It's only January 3rd yet I am already completely surrounded by illness, surgeries, and transplant.

I knew that we would be planning everything out early in the year. But I didn't expect it to completely consume me.

I want to enjoy life. Keep the scheduling and planning and worrying in the background.

I want to be living life based on Proverbs 3:5.

I want to hand it over to Him. I want to lean on the Lord and not dwell on my own limited understanding.

But y'all. I'm struggling.

Maybe it is the post holiday blues? Maybe I will get past all of this and start enjoying everything again soon? Maybe I need more Zoloft?

No matter what the cause, I am spending some much needed time in prayer. Praying that I can shake this funk. Praying that I can be totally present for my children. Praying that I can soak up every.single.moment before everything starts.

Because I know I will regret dwelling on things beyond my control come transplant time. I will look back and wish I'd soaked in all in. Wished I let go of my worry. Let go of my fears.

I have got to find a way to live like we were a mere three days ago so that come January 1, 2014, I can proudly proclaim that yes, 2013 was HARD. But we survived. And thrived. And lived a life filled with joy.



Unknown said...

Hugs momma. You'll all be in my prayers!

Erin R. said...

You are always so eloquent with your words. You are a gift to your children. I want to encourage you to enjoy your every days, but also give yourself some time to be in that funk. Just don't linger too long in the funk lovie. You are not alone.

Erin said...

I wish you could see just how amazingly strong you are!! Praying for your sweet family!

Annie said...

Oh, Lindsey. I am praying so hard for you and your family! He knows your heart and He knows what 2013 will hold, and He will surely give you the strength to walk through this year.

Pineapples and Pickles said...

You are super strong. You may not always feel it (and you don't have to). Just know that we see your strength and I know your sweet kiddos can see/feel it too. Praying for you.

Amy said...

i'm going to apologize in advance for this SUPER long comment (and don't worry about publishing it if it takes up too much space!) ;-)
but as i read your post and prayed for your sweet family, i couldn't help but think that your 2013 can be filled with HOPE. HOPE for all that is to come and all that will be. there are so many verses in the bible that tell us about the HOPE we can have in Him. and to me, hope seems like the opposite of dread. i'm praying that instead of dreading the year ahead you will be filled with a faithful HOPE of all that the Lord is going to do. i can't imagine what you and your family will be going through, but i do know that One that will be walking through it with you every step of the way! my prayer is that you will face this year with the HOPE of being able to say on 1/1/14 "look how far He has brought us!" here are some of my favorite verses on hope. i'm praying for you and will! xoxo

Psalm 71:5
O Lord, you alone are my HOPE. I’ve trusted you, O LORD, from childhood.

Psalm 94:19
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed HOPE and cheer.

Psalm 119:116
LORD, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my HOPE be crushed.

Proverbs 23:18
You will be rewarded for this; your HOPE will not be disappointed.

1 Corinthians 13:7
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always HOPEFUL, and endures through every circumstance.

Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of HOPE, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Unknown said...

Aw Linds, I can totally see why you would be dreading this year and really? Do NOT feel even the slightest bit badly for it.
You have a LOT on your plate. Lots which is life altering and changing. You guys are going to be okay. I can feel it in my bones! And we are all here to support you!
Let's blame the anxiety on the post-Christmas-blues and look to the future! Lots of love being sent your way!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

you certainly have quite the year ahead of you. and i can imagine the utter fear that must linger at knowing what your sweet boy has ahead. but if there's one thing i've learned about you over the years of reading your words, it's that you have MAJOR grace under fire. you know you don't walk this path alone. He's got your back. you were chosen for this path because you can handle. you've done it before, you'll do it again. you are without a doubt, one of the strongest women i "know" :) i'll be praying for you and for your strength in the coming year. i truly cannot wait to see the way God uses you through this upcoming trial. you are going to do great friend.

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